Pale bloodsuckers battle hunky wolfmen

Poor Bella (Kristen Stewart). All she wants to do is get laid. "I hate this whole celibacy thing," she tells her pale boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) in class one day. The problem? Her beau is a blood-sucking vampire who might lose control and kill her if they were to get it on.

Then, out of the blue (or rather for purely plot purposes) Edward dumps Bella. This takes place in a forest somewhere (the ocean is also nearby). Bella is shattered and for three months sits looking out of her window. She starts to kindle a relationship with a new guy Jacob (Taylor Launter, who has, incidentally, grown more than just a few extra clumps of biceps since the first movie Twilight). But then it turns out that this guy is a flesh-eating werewolf.  What ARE the odds? Such a small town. Anyhow, he too is off limits when it comes to getting it on. After all he might get angry one day and rip Bella to shreds.

Melancholic Bella (who, it must be said is played like a finely tuned block of wood by Stewart) then decides to kill herself, her grief and love for Edward being so strong. As Thom Yorke's 'Hearing Damage' plays on the film's immaculate soundtrack, she jumps off a cliff. However, she miraculously survives, and then realises that jumping off a cliff is actually fun. But oops! She's in the middle of the ocean, the tide is rough, it's a rocky coast. Enter a wet and topless Jacob to save her (he's topless and wet for most of the movie). Then follows a long plot development that involves travel to Italy and an appearance by the wonderful Michael Sheen.

In the end, nothing much really happens, there are lots of long, sexy pauses, awkward silences. Some scenes are touching and enjoyable. The dialogue involves some great lines like, "leaving you was the hardest thing I've done in 100 years" and "it would be nice to not want to kill you all the time."

But the following promotional material should give you a better idea of Twilight: New Moon, which it must be said is a glorious masterpiece of the art of the cinema; a profound, thought-provoking film which makes one come to grips with the value of life and the horror and mystery of death. Not since Nosferatu have we been in awe of a film such as this. (Ha ha). Anyhow, for one reason or another you'll definitely enjoy it.